Been so long.

Sorry I haven't posted recently. College has been one hell of a trip so far, and while I have been concentrating on my weight, my anxiety has made itself known in less focused, productive ways and more "fuck getting out of bed today" kind of ways. I guess I don't really want to bitch too much, even though that's why I started writing this.

My weight has been fluctuating between 106 lbs - 107.5 lbs.  Lower than I started. 12 more pounds until my goal weight. I noticed today that these jeans that have been tight since I bought them were really comfortable today.  Maybe I've just stretched them out, though.

My mom is really on my case lately. I'm afraid my family may be falling apart. It makes me feel physically ill to think about, much less write about. I hope I'm not pregnant.

Oh, world. Please, please stay together long enough for me to learn to enjoy you.

Thanks,
Gwen.

Not Listening Today, Chaucer Teacher

Full fathom five thy father lies
We read again and again. It's haunting, barely intelligible outside of the ivory tower.  What should I do? I feel tempted to stray into intangibility, but that makes bad writing. I will not spell out my feelings in only words alone are seldom good.

Last night was hard for me. I am made of paradoxes.
Last night my heart beat fast in my chest. Do I enjoy this? Then I am a masochist.
Do I hate it? Then I cannot be enjoying life for that is painful joy and content banality, and should I chose the second then I am not living. Just existing.

My heart beat fast, regardless of my joy. It does now, and it's a light nauseating feeling. I am always pulsating with energy, sexual or sublimated, but always there if I am to feel anything. Last night I tried not to feel anything, but I have a weakness for this romantic sadness.

He laid his head on my chest.  I have another, don't I? This should not be acceptable. I feel guilt, even though I am not obligated to. I still feel obligated. He is a romantic soul. He is fallen, too, from the Eden of first love. I have yet to fall, yet here I am, encouraged by Adam with the apple in my mouth. And I want it, even while I am trying not to vomit.

What do I need to feel loved? I have attention, and I have someone who needs me and yet I do not know. Do I need this head on my should? An absent but simultaneously affectionate figure. That is the bittersweet ache I desire. Pay attention, but only long enough to leave a trace of mild interest. Talk to me about your other love, far away. I do not envy her. She does not have you, either. Hell has you. She is your lover, and this lonely freezing death is your constant companion. The leviathan has eaten you. You caress me as a shadow of what you were.

I am not bitter. I want to stand back.

Yesterday I went for a walk to Mordor, the CVS that Joe and I named in a drunken revelry. I am breaking my body. Last week I burnt my chest making bacon, and after that walked two miles in too small shoes. I needed anti-bacterial cream and bandages for less than attractive festering sores. Moving gives me the feeling of progress, of change.  It is a childish feeling of running away, and a thought that maybe, maybe this one time I won't be back. Instead, a life as a vagabond and doesn't that sound romantic? Who needs the rat race of college in Washington? It's got enough well-intentioned dolts.

I have had coffee and my facial twitches are starting. A trembling jaw, as though I am about to cry. A fist clenched because I want to lash out. No, wait, because I want to see the half-moon marks of red. The coffee made me feel sick this morning. I always know exactly what I have eaten. One waffle, a tablespoon of syrup. Dip, because it's easier and uses less syrup. Then the coffee. Well, I don't feel good, I don't want excess, I will not give in. My hunger feels like nausea. I just want to sleep, but oh this ache!

Numbers on the scale I can hardly read. 109.0. I will not be skeletal. I like no body type. Cover, cover my mistakes. Hello Kitty bandaids a the best. Much cuter than these festering accidents.

Wait--we have what now?!

So, just found out today that my apartment building has a gym. That I never knew about. And is empty almost all the time. It's so amaaazing. (Sorry to gush). Unfortunately I had a really hard time on the elliptical because I couldn't figure out how to put my weight in so I could see how many calories I was burning. Unfortunate, but hopefully I can figure it out next time. Went about 2 miles, and haven't done crunches but probably will try and do 100 when my roommate leaves.

Still pretty psyched about the whole having a really close gym, thing.  I should try to wake up early and work out! Anyone with me?!

Anyway, haven't weighed myself today. Will tomorrow. Hope that I can get everything else in my life under control. (Class, fucking boys, family, eating, gaaaaaaaaaah.)

As my confusing boy who is a friend M says,
ciao.

Magic?

Hi girlies,
Sorry that it has been so long since I've written. Not having a scale made me, well. . . less than motivated.  Interestingly enough, it seems that the less I stress out about food and how much I eat, the less I end up eating!
Am I the only one who thinks that seems a little counter intuitive?  So, I've stopped counting my calories for now. If I start to gain weight, then I will start to count again.

My weight right now is 111.5 lbs. It's not a lot of loss, but it is a loss that felt like it came relatively easily.  I really hope that this technique can get me down to 95 lbs. If it can't. . .I guess I'll see what happens then?

Ciao,
Gwen

Don't Stand So Close to the Heat that You Forget that You Must Eat

The above title was taken from a Joanna Newsom song. She is amazing. And beautiful, as it turns out.
Apologies for my last post. It was kind of a mangled cry of nothing, but I'll try to be more structured this time.

I am losing my aim and focus. I ate a lot today:

1 cup Crispix, 1/2 cup 1% milk                            = 161 cal
1 cup chicken lo mein                                          = 278 cal
1.2 cup chicken curry, 1/2 cup white rice           = 351 cal
4 chicken pot stickers                                          = 208 cal
1 mini Reese's cup                                               = 44 cal

Total = 1,037


Looking at that number, feeling the weight of the food in my belly and the faint cry of failure in the distance, I wondered how I ever ate so much before.    I know I want to be beautiful, but I'm losing my courage, my cause.  I'm afraid being thin won't make me beautiful and then what will I have given up?  I know I don't look okay like this, though. My weight doesn't hang on me the right way.

This is all just so complicated.

I guess I should enumerate on my boy troubles, because my last post was confusing.  My darling sweetheart of a boyfriend is a little socially awkward. He doesn't know very well how to express himself, and he is into free relationships.  When he was very small his older sister told him that a man and a woman could not be happy with each other for their whole life. Eventually, one would have to cheat.  So, I don't want to be hard on him when he tells me these things. I know he would never cheat on me, and he respects my boundaries enough not to make innuendo about me and other guys. I just had to make it clear to him.

The two other boys in my life are awkward as well. One just broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years. I'm going to take his flirting and touches right now to mean that he needs comfort but doesn't know how to ask for it in a platonic way. The other boy has never had a girlfriend. I'm going to take his request to "titty-fuck" as pure drunkeness.

Thanks for listening, guys.  You're more than I deserve.

-Gwen

The Bad Weekend

Two days at >2000 cal. Alcohol is a destructive beast. I feel like I'll have to struggle to get back on the wagon. I feel blimpy and inflated and unattractive.

I'm so confused. My boyfriend has told me that he thinks it would be hot if I fooled around with other people. What does that mean? A guy said that he wants to be titty-fucked and hit on me. Another keeps giving me backrubs. I don't even know if I want to fool around. I'm so confused. I don't feel like I can do this while being so unattractive.

No confidence. No monogamy?

I think I'm a girl who can't handle too many boys at once.


I'm so, so confused.

Weight = I have no idea, still no scale. Will remedy soon.


I may have a job. Hooray?

Sorry for the scattered post. Hello to my knew followers! Glad to see you here. :)
Until tomorrow.

-Gwen

The Post Without a Scale

So, not going to get around to going to Target until the weekend, so I have no idea what my weight is! In some ways it is a relief, but not knowing my weight causes constant anxiety. Have I been eating too much? Is what I eat healthy? Is not eating any less healthy than overeating, like I was before?

I feel shallow. Like I've lost a personal depth because I'm so worried about my weight. What do I hope to get from this, I wonder.  Obviously, thin perfection. But I'm not sure I'll even look very good when I drop weight, I tell myself. Maybe the ugly is in some part of me that I can't starve off. Some part of me that, without, I wouldn't even recognize myself. In my face. My broad bone structure. My shallow, shallow lifestyle.

Well, I guess I'll update you on how the last couple of days have been, calorie wise.

Tuesday: 1,074
Breakfast-2 servings OJ (220 cal)
Lunch- (1/2 can of chicken noodle soup 120 cal) + (1/3 can of tomato soup 90 cal)
Dinner - (1 beef Empanada from an awesome food truck 242 cal) + (apple 72 cal)
Snacks - (15 baked tortilla chips 160 cal) + (6 tbl spoons Salsa 30 cal) + (Serving Sun Chips 140 cal)

Wednesday:1,073
Breakfast-(1 cup 2% milk 122 cal) + (1 granola bar 140 cal)
Lunch - (1 cup "Healthy" Chicken fried rice 304 cal) + (1/2 bottle of Lemonade 130 cal)
Dinner - 1 cup Chicken Lo Mein 278 cal
Snacks - (10 baked tortilla chips 79 cal)+ (2 T salsa 10 cal)

Today:
Breakfast - (1/2 small box fruit loops) + (1/2 cup milk 62 cal)

That's all so far!

I'm a little worried about my numbers, but I'm trying to be as accurate as possible by measuring out my food when I can. I also use "My Fitness Pal" for most of the calorie amounts.

Oh well, wish I had something more to say. Perhaps I'll tell y'all about my crazy cursing professor tomorrow.

Ciao,
Gwen

College Life

Hello all! Today is my first day back at school, and it feels. . . well, like school. Everything is still getting set up, furniture, shipping things, classes, books, the whole 9 yards. It's super social, but it's been easy not to eat much so far.  Unfortunately, I do not yet have a scale! So, I'll have to remedy that tonight with a Target run. (Oh yeah, can you tell I'm high-class?)

I have about $50 a week to spend on food (I'm trying to save money currently) so it shouldn't be too hard not to eat, right? Right? Unfortunately, as far as nutritious foods go. . . well, I'll have to find a way to get some of that stuff in, too.

Breakfast: 1 bottle of minute maid orange juice (~220 cal)
Lunch: Half a can of Campbell's chicken soup (may eat the other half later, 75 cal)

Any of y'all eating on a budget? Got advice as to how to make healthy and cheap food choices?

(Oooh, look, hobo fashion. For the aspiring to be skinny, well to do girl. )

And our Ashes Will Fly from the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Readers, (of which there are two! Hi there!) today will not be my day, calorie wise, just as yesterday and the day before were not, and I had no time to weigh myself this morning. I had an Indian buffet with my mom and sister today (940 cal) and I will have spaghetti carbonara for dinner (544 cal) on Saturday. On Sunday I had Wingstop, (700 cal) and chicken pasta (??????? cal)  and I have started off today with a taco. I am surprised that these last few days have not caused me to gain weight. I am, in fact, down three pounds yesterday since I started, so 113.6.I am absolutely baffled as to why this is, but for now I will not look a gift horse in the mouth.

This week has been a total loss of control. First, my flight back to school was cancelled, so though I am flying out today I will miss all of my first classes, my eating has been off because my parents were constantly taking me out to eat ("Oh, but this may be your last meal with us!"), my furniture shipped to my parents' house instead of my apartment and on and on and on and on.  I am really stressed (I'm already a high anxiety person). I hope that once I get to DC I can finally get things in order and make a personal space for myself.

Sorry for the short post, I know that wasn't interesting! I hope you guys who are following will take the time to leave a comment and introduce yourselves! I would love to hear from you. :)

-Gwen J.


{Edit: My flight to Charlotte just got delayed by two hours, which meant that it would arrive at 7, an hour after the connecting flight to DC is scheduled to leave. SO I had to haul my ass back out of the terminals, out of the "secure" area of the airport, heckle the reservation people at the front desk for an hour only to be told there are NOOO open flights to anywhere near DC.  Of course I wasn't going to stand for that. So, I sat my ass down on some cold, hard tile, called the airline, booked another flight for no cost in under 5 minutes, and returned to stand in line, have the reservation people at the front desk look at me funny, take 20 minutes to process the reservation, and go back through security.

I can already tell today is going to be a good day.}

We are all raised corn-fed.

Whoa, guys, weighed myself:
114.4 lbs!  I should not be this excited.

So, I didn't sleep last night. I spent all night reading blogs and watching ANTM. I am such a shallow whore.  Or, rather, I haven't slept yet. I really need to get over this summer schedule bullshit or I will NOT be able to handle classes starting come Monday.

I guess, should I start putting my total intake up? Probably should. . . so, posting yesterday's intake, which includes snacks and all:
>1600 cal.

After reading all these blogs, I realize that this is a ridiculously large amount.  I don't really have a goal calorie intake, 1600 cals is just what Calorie Counter (an android app for weight management) says. And I was a militant bitch about eating yesterday, but the count is so high because I was out with my boyfriend and his friends wanted Whataburger. I've nighttime snacked with him all summer, so I thought it would be weird if I didn't get anything to eat. . .

BTW, though this does not concern anyone not in the south, a Whataburger with cheese and bacon is ~780 cals. Jeeesus. Thank God for a boyfriend who loves to finish my food. How will I live without him? I was on hold for an hour with the airline I'm flying back to DC on, before I finally hung up.  I'll tell my mom that they're not giving discounts to move flights right now. That's probably true anyway. I can also just call later.

So, the reason for the title above is that I wanted to talk about how much of a normal pubescent girl I am- i.e. how my insecurities started. (And they used this statement on ANTM to describe one of the girls. Not for any real food comments, but to single her out as a commercial, american model. Whatever.)  I guess, weight insecurities have really been all or nothing part of my life. The first time I remember feeling concerned was when I was in elementary school, not sure what grade, probably 4th or 5th. My mom and I were in a changing room together and she told me I needed to eat better or I was going to get pudgy, and that my pudge was starting to show. I have a feeling this memory may be a fabrication of my mind, because in no other part of my past can I EVER remember my mom telling me that I'm chubby. Nowhere close. She always used to praise me for being the one who knew when to stop eating. The thin one in our family. (Although my brother is a twig. Those of you looking for skeletal "thinspo" should take a gander at him, because he shows an absolutely DISGUSTING amount of bone. He could use his chest bone as a bass drum. Guuuh.)

But, that memory still stands. So whether real or not, it certainly says something that I can think of it.

The next was a girl, my best friend from 4th grade to 7th grade. Wow, when I write it down that seems like a very, very short time, doesn't it? Because she has influenced pretty much my whole life.  But she was so beautiful. She still is. Long Italian main of coarse black hair, fierce eyes, and tiny. So, so tiny. By normal people's standards I was not overweight as a kid. But I was so jealous when I sat next to her. I was afraid to wear shorts because I had chronically dry legs. She had these smooth, thin, lithe limbs that didn't seem to get fatter when she sat. Always silky and perfectly shaped. She was silly, creative. A better artist than me, probably a better writer, too.

And then she just had to get bigger boobs than me as well. Ah, well, c'est la vie.

She moved away the summer before 7th grade. But I still had those feelings inside me, you know?  The memory of her perfection juxtaposed with my banal brand of quirky smart girl. Not beautiful, not by far. Chubby in uncomfortable places. Not liked by any boys. Obsessed with the idea of love. To add to that, our middle school, like so many, restricted what clothing we could wear. Khaki or black bottoms with red or white polo shirts, or school t-shirts. Polos look terrible on me, so I spent most of my time in the baggiest school t-shirts I could find. I was constantly worried about everything. My hair is curly, and I hadn't learned any way to tame it besides put it back in a ponytail. My legs were dry; I had no idea what moisturizer was.  And, to top all of that off I am pear shaped. My thighs always plagued me. Along with a bit of a tummy. I weighed the same as I do now, 116 lbs.  In eighth grade a guy pinched the fat on my lower arm. That was enough.

High school was new. A catharsis. I felt like I had strength, boys liked me for the first time. I never ate. From freshmen year to junior year I didn't eat at school. I refused to have lunch. I'd eat dinner, but at school no one noticed when I didn't eat. I felt strong, so strong. At the end of High school I was barely 100 lbs.

And now, here I am, college. Things are different. I was supposed to be more mature than to care about being super skinny. To rock being quirky. Yet here I am, eh?

{Edit: It took me the entire day to write this post. I did go to sleep at 9am. I am a terrible person. }

Bargains (I can't tell if I won or lost.)

So, it's pretty late in the evening/early in the morning. Almost 3am and I am still up. This is nothing new, not really, but being awake this late and having eaten not as much as normal (a baked potato with grilled mushrooms for dinner ~450 cal, a Diet Dr. Pepper and half a bag of corn nuts 4 hours ago ~110 cal) as well as having a literal shit-ton of packing to do makes it hard to just go to bed. Should I reward myself with food? I really want to. . . I'm hungry, but I can't just let myself eat for nothing, right? That would be piggish.

Okay me, so here is the deal: If you can get all of your clothes packed up, AND email the airline to change your flight schedule, then you may have some of the delicious ham that mom made from the fridge. It's 170 cal a slice, so one 3 oz slice, okay?

Okay.

(In order to avoid offending any potential vegetarians, here's a painting instead of a juicy picture.)

Written earlier in the day, as I was lazing around being a bum on our local university's campus:
I'm at my boyfriend's university right now in one of the lobby's for students. One of them is playing skillfully on the piano behind me while I get my school assignments and schedule in order. Beautiful. (8/24)

{Edit: No need for ham tonight. Too tired and I couldn't find the appropriate airline email. I'll call tomorrow. }

Weakness

I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm new to the game. Before entering college, I was perfectly happy with my 100 lb body.  But I'm not comfortable, as it turns out, with being any weight above that. Not comfortable at all.

Yesterday, I wrote:
Social activities rear their ugly head. Social eating, awkward pauses,  the knowledge that you're in the position of annoying, clingy girlfriend who doesn't really belong with the guys.


As far as the eating goes:
 a third of a Whataburger with bacon and cheese =~ 250 cal
Two chicken tacos =~420 cal
A few fries=~80 cal
A few sips of coke=~48


Not a brilliant day by far. Hopefully when my schedule is normal and I'm back in school, things will even out. 


Today, however, has been a pretty good day. Had just half a small salad with about a teaspoon of balsamic vinegar and an Orangina. I figured because I was good with the salad I could risk the sugary drink. 


Orangina = ~ 130 cal 
Salad = ~60 cal


In other news, I know I should be on my way back to DC, where college is, but I'm having a really hard time leaving my boyfriend behind here. So, while I'm looking forward to classes and having an apartment, it's really hard to convince myself to push my flight up a day. (If you have not heard yet, there are a couple hurricanes that are heading to the east coast, right in my flight path. My mom is afraid if I don't move my flight up a day or two it will get cancelled.)


It's so hard to leave here. My boyfriend and I have been together five years, our anniversary was yesterday and this distance is such a bitch. 


//edit: I weighed myself today! Horray says the scale 115.2 lbs. Only ten more to go!

Haphazard, Scattered, Too Much

To start, I suppose, I do not like to think I have much of a problem. But the amount, I suppose, is subjective. I am not, I think, in a healthy state of mind.  My obsessions make me irritable, uncharitable towards myself and others, and fake. I am not advocating any sort of life style to anyone. I just want a safe place (Oh, the joys of the all-consuming internet! The least safe of all places!) to talk to myself. About this. About what could happen to me and what I want. 

I am not anorexic. I am slowly gaining an obsession over calories, but that lumps me in with millions of other Americans and people across first world nations.  I want to look good, I don't want to become fat.  

But this is more than that, and I suppose that is where my problem lies.  Controlling my calories is just one more way to attempt to control a life that I feel is slowly spinning out of control. A way to punish myself for other behavioral problems that I really should learn how to fix by their own merits, not by trying to starve.  But hunger is a comfortable feeling. It raises my cortisone levels so I feel more alert and better able to deal with stress. It is bad for my heart. But it doesn't feel that way.   

I guess I don't want tips. A place to write. Maybe to meet others. A place to feel a little more in control.  


I haven't eaten much today, because I was sick with a stomach bug yesterday and I am trying to take it slow. 


My mom took my sister to school this morning (and I'm home for the summer before starting my junior year at college, woot woot!) and I wanted to tag along. They decided to go to our favorite Mexican restaurant for breakfast. This may seem strange to some of you norther folk, but down in Texas we have breakfast tacos, so it's perfectly acceptable. 


I had half of a bean and cheese taco = ~150 cal
Damn tortilla chips for existing (10) = ~146 cal
And 3 tbsp of half and half for my coffee = ~58 cal


All in all, because I've had no lunch nor supper (yet D:) that equals 354 calories. 


As a base point, I'm 5' 1" and my weight is 116 lbs, which I feel looks disgusting on someone as short as me. My goal is 95 lbs. 


Sorry for the rambles. See you soon blogosphere. Keep me honest.