Haphazard, Scattered, Too Much

To start, I suppose, I do not like to think I have much of a problem. But the amount, I suppose, is subjective. I am not, I think, in a healthy state of mind.  My obsessions make me irritable, uncharitable towards myself and others, and fake. I am not advocating any sort of life style to anyone. I just want a safe place (Oh, the joys of the all-consuming internet! The least safe of all places!) to talk to myself. About this. About what could happen to me and what I want. 

I am not anorexic. I am slowly gaining an obsession over calories, but that lumps me in with millions of other Americans and people across first world nations.  I want to look good, I don't want to become fat.  

But this is more than that, and I suppose that is where my problem lies.  Controlling my calories is just one more way to attempt to control a life that I feel is slowly spinning out of control. A way to punish myself for other behavioral problems that I really should learn how to fix by their own merits, not by trying to starve.  But hunger is a comfortable feeling. It raises my cortisone levels so I feel more alert and better able to deal with stress. It is bad for my heart. But it doesn't feel that way.   

I guess I don't want tips. A place to write. Maybe to meet others. A place to feel a little more in control.  


I haven't eaten much today, because I was sick with a stomach bug yesterday and I am trying to take it slow. 


My mom took my sister to school this morning (and I'm home for the summer before starting my junior year at college, woot woot!) and I wanted to tag along. They decided to go to our favorite Mexican restaurant for breakfast. This may seem strange to some of you norther folk, but down in Texas we have breakfast tacos, so it's perfectly acceptable. 


I had half of a bean and cheese taco = ~150 cal
Damn tortilla chips for existing (10) = ~146 cal
And 3 tbsp of half and half for my coffee = ~58 cal


All in all, because I've had no lunch nor supper (yet D:) that equals 354 calories. 


As a base point, I'm 5' 1" and my weight is 116 lbs, which I feel looks disgusting on someone as short as me. My goal is 95 lbs. 


Sorry for the rambles. See you soon blogosphere. Keep me honest.