Don't Stand So Close to the Heat that You Forget that You Must Eat

The above title was taken from a Joanna Newsom song. She is amazing. And beautiful, as it turns out.
Apologies for my last post. It was kind of a mangled cry of nothing, but I'll try to be more structured this time.

I am losing my aim and focus. I ate a lot today:

1 cup Crispix, 1/2 cup 1% milk                            = 161 cal
1 cup chicken lo mein                                          = 278 cal
1.2 cup chicken curry, 1/2 cup white rice           = 351 cal
4 chicken pot stickers                                          = 208 cal
1 mini Reese's cup                                               = 44 cal

Total = 1,037


Looking at that number, feeling the weight of the food in my belly and the faint cry of failure in the distance, I wondered how I ever ate so much before.    I know I want to be beautiful, but I'm losing my courage, my cause.  I'm afraid being thin won't make me beautiful and then what will I have given up?  I know I don't look okay like this, though. My weight doesn't hang on me the right way.

This is all just so complicated.

I guess I should enumerate on my boy troubles, because my last post was confusing.  My darling sweetheart of a boyfriend is a little socially awkward. He doesn't know very well how to express himself, and he is into free relationships.  When he was very small his older sister told him that a man and a woman could not be happy with each other for their whole life. Eventually, one would have to cheat.  So, I don't want to be hard on him when he tells me these things. I know he would never cheat on me, and he respects my boundaries enough not to make innuendo about me and other guys. I just had to make it clear to him.

The two other boys in my life are awkward as well. One just broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years. I'm going to take his flirting and touches right now to mean that he needs comfort but doesn't know how to ask for it in a platonic way. The other boy has never had a girlfriend. I'm going to take his request to "titty-fuck" as pure drunkeness.

Thanks for listening, guys.  You're more than I deserve.

-Gwen